It’s been secretly whispered around the clubhouse. Hushed voices about the “jersey issue.” While everyone else on the team had to go through combines and rigorous try outs, how was Kyle able to just steal a jersey and have a permanent place on the team?
“I like the guy and all,” said PJ, ranked the most positive voice in softball for the past 3 seasons, “but come on. It fucking pisses me off that he didn’t have to go through the same shit we all had to. They had me punch an old lady to prove my loyalty and this fucker just shows up? Can’t say I haven’t been looking to Nancy Kerrigan that knee of his.”
Bootlegger tryouts used to be much more challenging than just ‘donning a jersey.’ More frat boy on steroids antics — think Frank having to walk around with a softball up his ass for a game or LL being forced to drink 2 bottles of Jack Daniels before a game.
“That wasn’t forced,” said Bootleggers manager Wilhelm when confronted on the depravity. “Volunteers on both accounts.”
Such were the reflections as the Bootleggers cruised in an easy win this past Monday, bouncing back from their first regular season loss since May with a skunking of Old School. Which brings us to D-Rec philosophy.
“If a home run finishes the game, even if the team is already winning big, is it still a walk off?”
Plato covered this philosophical concept after Team Plato crushed Team Aristotle in the famed annual “Ancient Greek Philosophers Softball Game” back in 432 BC. “A walk off is a walk off, but not all walk offs are the same.”
Up 9 in the bottom of fifth with no outs and runners on first and third, Kyle launched a blast into the fall night sky that still hasn’t landed. Roy Hobbs like in its certainty, it was the cherry on top of a softball sundae.
Players wanting to lift Kyle up to carry him off the team would not only be risking their backs but also risking mocked by the softball gods. Once you’re on the cusp of winning, and the Bootleggers were given a 99% odds by LMZForecast to win that game at that point, act like you’ve been there.
“I mean, it was a homer, right? And a walkoff? Sure!” Metzger said, “but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. A little dribbler that didn’t even get out of the infield would have accomplished the same thing. We were already winning big.”
Regardless, it was a positive sign to see Kyle get his groove back. Mired in a slump since Obama was president and needing a confidence booster, the 3 run blast was a no doubter. Something the team has been waiting for him to unleash for months.
That was truly the one highlight of an otherwise humdrum game. Bootleggers improved to 2-1 in the fall, 15-5 overall, and have a doubleheader next week.
Management has been in talks for new jerseys to solve the ‘Jersey Issue.’ Reportedly they see new jerseys as a way of not having certain players back without the delicate niceties of saying “fuck off.”
Joey’s lead in the batting race dropped a bit after a 1-4 night. His .614 leads Vega (.591) and PJ (.581) going into the home stretch.